Irretrievable Time

When asked about what caused my shift to becoming an introvert, this was my response. It was quickly written and probably peppered with gramatical mistakes and incoherent thoughts, but I thought I’d share.

“I guess what changed was a realization that I wasn’t living up to maximum potential, economics classes played an integral role in that, because I became fascinated by the idea of resource maximization.  Being around particular people really was not aiding me in the maturation of my intellect and morality. I was just doing what was needed to get by, and it occurred to me that if I kept doing that, I would end up in a situation where life just becomes an unsatisfying cycle. I dont want to work 5 days a week to only look forward to the weekend where i can go out with friends (that doesn’t even make sense statistically, to only be excited about 2 out of 7 days a week).

I figure i should live a life that will result in benefiting more than just me (I realized how much more rewarding selflessness was).

It scares me that most people live their lives and are forgotten by everyone, except those close to them.  We are living at the climax of what will be remembered as the technological revolution, i want to to somehow contribute to the revolution… I suppose it is in line with my competitive nature, but I want to be remembered.  Regardless of whether it is some invention or some idea in academia, that can be referenced and improved upon in the future to continue pushing humanity forward. I am not lost in how unlikely and unrealistic this may be know, but living with that aspiration at least gives me a chance to do so – also gives me a purpose in life. The chances I do so are also better than it was for people in the past.  The creation of different outlets for exposure, like blogs and youtube make it possible to leave a lasting impression with at least a few people – who might just share it and be exposed to more people than I could ever imagine. And if it is shared, I hope those people who agree or want to be a part of what I am doing will reach out to me.  Those are the type of relationships i really want to have.

I don’t love you

as a matter of fact I don’t want to love you

cuz see

Love’s a word that has been watered down through time

but this time there’s nothing watered down about the way I feel about you

and like so many that have been in love the word “love” has been used

and abused

neglected, taken advantage of, lied to cheated on

and sometimes even forgotten

So I…

I don’t want to love you

cuz used to be the word “love” could pump the breaks on a conversation

and leave someone feeling utterly speechless

but now it’s used to fill breaks in conversation

pump breeze back into why you cant love someone

who is making you feel utterly useless

See I…

I don’t want to L-O-V-E you

but i do want to take those letters flip them backwards

just to spell the beginnings of the word “evolve”

because i want us to grow into something undescribable

by just one word…

See I don’t want to love you

but i do want to make you like my childhood bestfriend

so that no matter how many times we hurt each other

or beat each other up inside

we can always make up again

and I

wana show you off to the world

A permanent connection

so perfectly passionate that I can sit you on the opposite side of a jampacked arena

look at you once

and have everyone know you’re… my girl

See

I don’t want to love you

but it’s you I’m trying to find

i wana take every thought out on a date

and tell you the right things

so that at the end of the night

if i play my cards right

you might invite me inside…

your mind

See I’m trying to get the “I”

out of the “I’m trying to do this for us”

because there is no “I” in us

so let’s just do this for us

let us breathe life back into love

so we can put love back in our lives

and bring the underdog back to the front of the race

Cuz see I’m trying to re-define love as more than who can take the most pictures together

and get the most comments under it on their joint myspace

cuz see we

we were made from love

and that is all we’ll have in the end

so by making me re-believe in love

you have helped me find God again

and i know it sounds cliché

but you have given me something to die for

something to live for again

and if I said you made me a one woman man

it wouldn’t be true

beacuse you made me a one soul person

because even if i were to lose my mind

and die

and come back in another lifetime as a woman

I could still only love you

So you see… I don’t want to love you

I can’t love you

as a matter of fact i don’t want to love you

cuz this may not seem like much to most

but you’re the biggest thing that’s happened to me

since I discovered poetry

and if there is anything a poet knows

it’s how to recognize truth

so that’s how I know we were meant to be

you see

I don’t need to love you

I need to

A memory much like a double exposure

always with me until i get

that closure

crawling back into my sights

hoping you just might

vanish

and take with you the anguish

you had imprinted on my soul

ain’t mad at cha just want you to go

the echoing giggle and chuckle

just wishing it would muffle

give me a remedy 

that

will lead to not one discrepancy

Bongo bongo queen of the  kongo

won’t you come with me 

and rumble

loud kisses in the dark

here to leave your mark

for i am yours and you are mine

anytime spent with you is time to unwind

these knots in my mind 

disappear

when you are near

Making my silly thoughts

ever more clear

Don’t need a drink or a joint

this relationship we got is on point

you a dancer

me a glancer

teach me things I never anticipated 

you’ve got me so serenaded